Space for Quiet

There is so much noise in the world. Sometimes it feels distracting, even the thoughts in our head can keep us up at night. I am a big communicator, but have learned that quiet practices and leaving space for silent connection have tremendous benefits, both internally and in my relationships. I have learned to be comfortable in moments of “awkward silence”, to tune in to the sounds that bring me peace and calm, and to talk less with my children so I can listen more and allow their inner knowings to shine. This week we talk about finding more space for quiet and the benefits of quiet connection in our relationships, especially with our children. 

Space for Quiet

There is little space to be alone and quiet in our world, and when there is we fill even those moments with scrolling, to-do lists, emails, texting, calendars, and getting that one more thing done.  I am guilty of this. I find so much satisfaction in efficiency and productivity, and that’s not a bad thing. But when it comes to social-emotional learning, short, frequent moments of quiet connection build self-awareness, regulation, and deeper connections. 

Who can relate to this scenario; being a child and your parents trying to constantly talk to you, but you don't feel like it? You don't feel like sharing or opening up. You roll your eyes and respond with minimal detail. And yet we do the SAME thing that annoyed us to our own kids. WHY?!

Let's play this one out: 

           Parent:  "How was school today?" 

          Child: "Fine."

          Parent: "What did you learn/do?" 

          Child: "I don't know." 

          Parent: "You don't know?" 

         Child: "I don't remember." or “I don’t want to talk about it.”

This could spiral into less connection, unnecessary worry, and even an argument. We TRY to connect with our kids by asking questions, but often this has the opposite effect. Nobody wants to be forced into conversation, and questions can lead to frustration. 

Think for a moment about how you feel when you are sharing with someone and they start asking you questions. Questions fuel our internal need to know things, they don’t necessarily support the person we are asking.  

Upon a lot of personal reflection with quiet practices over the past decade, I have come to realize that my urge to fill space comes from discomfort within myself or a personal curiosity that is about me, not the other person. 

Of course, I yearn to hear from my kids about their day, but when I allow them to lead these conversations in their own time, what is most meaningful and important FOR THEM is what comes to the forefront. When we ask too many questions, we are filling a void or need within ourselves and it silences the other person's needs. 

How about this scenario; watching a sunrise or sunset with someone in complete silence? There are no words to say, no phones to scroll through, just soaking in the beauty. How did you feel afterward? Calm, relaxed, content, happy...maybe more connected? 

A quiet connection is helpful.  It has a way of exposing so much when we make space for it. Watching the sunrise is one example of how silence nurtures connection. We have so many opportunities for quiet when we notice, but we condition ourselves to be productive or distracted at every opportunity. This limits our resilience and connection with ourselves, one another, and the world around us. 

This week's practice is simple, but may feel awkward at first. Notice opportunities for quiet connection, push through the discomfort, and ask fewer questions. See what happens, how you feel, and what you learn.